Where are my fat pants...?

I went flying through boxes this morning.  With the warm days we have been having I needed something cooler to wear this morning to do some set up at a conference I will be working at.  One pair of Capri's after another, I put them part way on just to give an exasperated sigh and peel them back off.  It was not until I had clothes strewn across my bed and floor that I said out loud to myself, "where on earth are a pair of fat pants???!!!"

Oh, wait.  I got rid of all the fat pants.  And for good reason.  I got rid of them so that when I reached this point it would be significant.  I can't just comfortably fall back into a pair of baggy clothes that allow me to expand further.  I either have to spend money on bigger clothes, lose a few pounds, or have nothing to put on.  Not a fun place to be, but I am there and have a choice to make.

OK, so here it is, the truth...I have gained 20 pounds back.  I have had people say to me, "You are still down 80," "You still look good," "Maybe this is a better weight for you."  I do recognize I am still down significantly, how I look is subjective and somewhat irrelevant, and I reject that this might be a better weight.  Why?  Because I know what I have eaten to get me here and it includes eating too much, and foods that I know are not good for me.  I have fallen in to behaviors that characterize the old me.  I have snuck chocolate out of the freezer and not wanted anyone to know.  I have eaten whatever was convenient instead of eating what I know was good for me.  I have begun to see food again as a comfort instead of a necessity for health.  I also am growing uncomfortable in my own skin.  I am tired and achy.  I have a hard time getting dressed because nothing feels good or comfortable. I have even had a hard time shopping for a few needed things.  I have felt the old feeling of choosing what looks least bad, instead of what I like.  I hate that feeling and don't want to be there.  It steals my confidence and my time.

So where are my fat pants?  At Goodwill, where they belong.  Where are a pair of pants that fit?  In my drawer waiting for me to fit in to them again.  How do I get there?  Via the gym.  (I could use some cheering and so forth here.)  I'll not let this be the first 20.

Emotions, Intimacy, and Expectations...Oh, My!

I had struggled for years with a vague feeling of nothingness.  That place where you are not sad, not happy.  You don't harbor bad feelings toward anyone, yet also have no overwhelming feelings for anyone at all.  It is a nice safe place where I was somewhat numb to that which was happening around me.  It is really a comfortable place to be.  Nothing hurts too much, but at the same time you know there should be more out there for you.  I'm guessing some of you have no clue what I'm talking about and some of you are already nodding your heads.

Looking back over the years I believe I had myself fairly well hidden.  I would expose just small pieces of myself to see which ones would gain approval and acceptance.  Where acceptance was present, I would allow more of myself to come through.  However, the mere hint that I might displease or disappoint someone was an indication to hide or even run away, quickly and completely.  The thought that I might disappoint someone was way more devastating to me than I care to admit.  The rejection just hurts too much.  It is much less painful to keep yourself protected from others.

I think weight was a handy tool in hiding for several reasons.  For one thing, weight was an excuse to not try new things.  "I couldn't possibly do that."  "That is too hard for me."  If I never attempt anything, no one can think badly of me for failing.  It is also a good excuse should someone think negatively about you.  "It's not me, it's my weight they don't like."  Finally, eating is a poor, but often used, substitute to real emotion.  Rather than experience real joy in life I settled for feelings of fleeting pleasure in eating things.

So I think I have understood the stuffing away emotions in exchange for food for a long time.  It goes in Chapter 1 of every weight loss book ever written, right?  The hard part is how to begin to feel again when you have gotten so numb.  For me it has been a step by step process of developing a sense of real intimacy with people in my life.  To do this I have had to let go of fearing rejection.  It is impossible to have a real relationship with anyone without exposing the real you.  This blog is a tangible part of that process.  Not that I think I am experiencing real intimacy with every reader, but I am practicing telling people who I am.  All of who I am.  Sometimes... OK, all the time... it is really scary, sometimes its ugly, and sometimes it feels just plain painful.

But it is getting easier all the time.  The walls are coming down all around me.  I have felt that it is so much easier to be authentic with the people in my life.  This authenticity has lead to deeper intimacy with my husband, my kids, and many of my friends.  I am sure some don't like me as I am.  I am even learning to be OK with that.  God has been holding me very close, reminding me that I am a beloved child of God.  He loves me faults and all and is working His sanctification out in me.

That brings us to the last piece of my title.  Big sigh...I might as well say it... expectations.  Ugh.  I am shuddering even now.  The connection clicked in head just recently.  A natural extension of my fear of having emotional connections and authentic intimacy with people is that they will have expectations of me.  I am getting a headache just thinking about it.  What if people have expectations of who I am and how I should be and I fail them?  I have said right from the beginning of this blog that I struggle with laziness.  Let's face it, it is easier to have excuses and to hold yourself aloof than to face challenging expectations.  But the deeper you are in relationship with people, the more of yourself you need to invest.

This was driven home in a bible study lesson this week.  The question was posed (and I am paraphrasing here); How much of God do you want?  Do you want just a comfortable portion that makes you feel good? Or do you want the fullness of God?  The kind of fullness of God that busts down your comfort zone?

God has exposed every raw emotion I possess over the past months. In that time He has loved me so tenderly it has brought me to my knees.  Now that I have known His love in such fullness I don't ever want to be apart from it.  He is my Lord and my Savior.  He has been for a long time, but I have held Him at a certain arms length, where it is much more comfortable.  But the walls are down.  Real intimacy with God demands that there is no limit to how much of Him you allow in your life.  And allowing the fullness of God in your life will most definitely bring about some challenging expectations.  God certainly has plans for me that will fall far outside my comfort zone.  If that is where He is, it is where I want to be.

The lazy, scared part of me wants to dig in my heels and stay right where I am, comfortable.  If I don't try I won't fail.  But I know I have come too far.  God is holding out His hand and inviting me to come along for the ride.  Where and to do what?  I haven't a clue.  Will I fail along the way?  Most certainly.  Will it hurt sometimes?  Most likely.  Am I in?  You bet!

Struggling

Yep, that sums it up.  I have been struggling.  Over the past 2 months I have gained 10 pounds.  I have felt overwhelmed by life, my workouts have been dismal to non-existent, I have not cared too much about what I am eating, and I have been stingy with the time I have shared with God.  So what has been going on here?

I am not entirely certain, but I have some guesses.  The time I spent leading up to Sam's surgery and right after the recovery were highly charged emotionally.  I had no choice but to lean heavily on God and think I slipped in to a bit of a survival mode.  I clung to the things I knew would keep me from careening off the edge.  Eating and exercise habits, and daily time with God held me together.  So when we finally arrived home, a bit of the survival drive wore off.  Eating well?  Well, wasn't it enough that my family was eating anything?  Exercise?  I couldn't leave Sam to go exercise, and by the evening I was just tired.  Didn't I have the right to be tired and just rest?  Time with my Lord?  I was no longer desperate for Him to carry me through the day.  I began to be satisfied with small superficial tidbits instead of the deep feasting on His Word I had become accustomed to.

However, the less time I spend with God the emptier I feel.  I began filling that void with fiction novels.  This is a real weakness for me.  When I start reading, the rest of my life stops.  I don't take care of me, my house, or my family the way that I should.  I know this about myself and really ought to have known better.  This lasted about 1 1/2 weeks and 5 books.  Realizing what I was doing I returned the books and determined to get my house back in order.  Problem is, the emptiness is still there. 

My kitchen was now clean, but the void remained.  So, what do I do?  I eat.  And boy, have I spent the last week eating! Breads, sweets, cheeses, whatever!  I have had a hard time really caring.  But God is faithful.  He has been stirring up the longing of my heart and moving me back to Him.  He has woken me the last few nights with a deep longing to fellowship deeply with Him again.  Those middle of the night times of just pouring out my heart and hearing His still small voice have been so sweet.  Once you remember how sweet it is you hunger for it.  It is so much more satisfying than books, breads, and cheeses.  I am so thankful that God is merciful enough to remind me of this once again, and turn my desire back to Him.  This morning I devoured several of the Psalms and had to remember that I probably ought to eat breakfast too.  So, back to the basics for me again.  God first.  Then the good health basics: water, calorie counting, and regular exercise (whether I feel like it or think I have the time, or not).

I am not surprised that I have hit a bump in the road.  I expected it to come at some point.  That is why this blog exists.  It is a place for me to be completely honest and transparent, a place for accountability, and for me to work out the jumble of thoughts in my mind.  I know it will be a lifelong commitment, full of triumphs and failures.  Thanks for walking through this ongoing journey with me. 

Strength

Strength...  I have given this attribute more than it's fair share of my thought over the last few months.  Most of you are aware that my family has walked through a major medical issue with my 11 year old son this summer.  If not, feel free to browse through my other blog (probably would like to start with "a Summary" posted early Sept.)  I'll get back to that in a moment.  Anyway, I have had a few thoughts on strength and feel compelled to share them.

As an obese person I have to say I often felt powerless.  Powerless to change, lacking strength to do the work of change.  Lacking strength to even contemplate the work it would take to lose 100 lbs.  So why bother?  It often seemed impossible.  When you look at your situation in that way it truly is often impossible to begin.  The overwhelming feeling threatens to paralyze you.  I think that when I began to lose weight it was because I looked at it in much smaller goals.  My initial goal was 40 lbs.  I did not even see 100 as a attainable.  But 40 lbs I could work towards.  I found that as I worked towards that, I grew physically stronger through practice.  My confidence that I could persevere grew as I saw results on the scale.  By the time I hit 40 lbs, I felt strong enough to go for 50, 60, 70... and so on.  I began to learn that the steady practice of training myself to push on when I didn't want to resulted in steady weight loss and eventually maintenance.  It doesn't really matter if you feel strong enough, if you feel like working out, if you feel like eating what you should.  It was a decision to do it anyway, one choice at a time.  It sounds so simple, but knowing it is true in your head and seeing the proof of it in your life are two very different things.  I know you know what I am talking about.  Even if it is not weight, there is always something in your life that you know you want, but can't summon the motivation to do.  But you also know that when you have taken that same thing on and made the right choice, moment by moment, the fulfillment of it's fruit shows in your life and it gets easier.

But what about when the impossible pops up in your life?  This is where I found myself early in the summer.  When I first learned about my son's condition, I knew I was not strong enough to handle it.  As a matter of fact I told God so.  I literally laid face down on the floor and wept to God, telling him "I can't do this Lord!  I am not strong enough."  Ironically, this was the same day that my parents were in a horrible train crash.  (They were OK, but there were fatalities)  He let me weep and then told me in that still small voice it was time to get up and go make dinner.  He would supply the strength necessary to do that one simple task.  I didn't really feel like I had the strength in my legs to stand up, but I have practiced trusting and obeying that still small voice.  I trusted He would give me what I needed to simply make dinner, and do it with appropriate composure in front of my children.  So, I took a deep breath, stood, washed my face and made dinner.  God was faithful to supply the strength. 

Over the next few weeks, every doctors appointment, every phone call, every new event seemed to add one more layer of difficulty to the situation.  I remember thinking every time, "this is as bad as it can get, right?"  But with each new occurrence, I would once again tell the Lord, "I can't handle this, God, really.  I mean it this time."  But every time, He asked only that I take one small step and promised He would supply the strength.  This is how I spent the summer.  I woke up every morning knowing I was completely devoid of the capability to handle the demands of the day.  But I also knew that God would allow me the strength to get up, get dressed make breakfast and get to the front porch with my bible. 

It was there on my front porch that God supplied what I needed for the remainder of the day.  I read about His faithfulness, His grace, His promise of grace, His sovereignty.  I read through old testament prophets cries of sorrow, and new testament apostles joys and shouts of praise.  In those words I found perspective on what this life is: just a small dot on the timeline of eternity.  I experienced anew who God is, and how unfathomable and perfect His plan is for us as He weaves every moment into a beautiful, perfect eternity for those who are His.  I filled with wonder again at the grace I have been given to belong to such a God and to have been reconciled to Him through to blood of Jesus.  What is today's trouble when compared to the gift we have been given of eternity.  With this perspective in mind, I knew today, as overwhelming as it may seem, was so small.  This gave me courage to trust that for one more day God, with His infinite supply of strength, would see me through that which seemed impossible to do.  Every day saw hours of phone calls, impossible choices, one more set back to cope with and adjust to.  But I also learned to trust a little more each day that this was indeed part of God's plan, and He had something beautiful to create with it.

So one thing I have heard over and over again the past few months is, "you are so strong".  I have been with myself on my bedroom floor, crying that I can't do it.  I have known deep inside the feeling that my legs simply would not hold me up right now.  I have stepped out of hospital rooms to breakdown because I couldn't take it another moment.  I am incredibly aware of just how weak I truly am because I have seen my strength abandon me.  2 Corinthians 12:19 says, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  I know this truth in an intimate way now.  I have seen my utter weakness and seen God's strength take over.  I have gotten up off the floor and gotten on with the tasks before me, I have walked on legs I knew had no strength, and I have walked back into hospital rooms to attend to my child when I knew in the depth of my soul I had nothing left to give.  I truly know it was only by God's strength working in me.  Please don't be tempted to respond to this telling me that I am mistaken, that I really am strong.  By doing this you would only diminish the strength in my life.  My greatest strength is pitiful when shown in comparison to the infinite strength of my God.  I would much rather know weakness that God's strength would be made mighty in me.

All He asked of me was the courage to trust Him and believe He would supply the rest.  This courage and trust has come from long practice.  I have seen God prove faithful in the small things, and know He will be faithful in the large.  I have seen Him create beauty out of events that have seemed to be a mess.  I know He is working that beautiful plan even when I can't see it.  Part of what I pray and hope is that God has changed lives through this journey we have taken.  I was a saved believer before this, but He has changed my relationship and trust in Him forever. 

I pray that some of you will have been changed as well.  The knowledge that God would be glorified  has provided me with much courage.  It is my ultimate desire.  For this goal I am confident God will provide all the strength I need.

100, Popcorn and "the Wagon"

I have been away for a while and feel like I have so much to share, so here we go...

About a month ago, I finally reached a 100 lb. weight loss!!!!  Yeah, hurrah, lots of screaming, confetti, and so on.  Let me take a moment to celebrate before I carry on.  It feels so good to say I lost 100.  96 lbs was a lot, but just seems to lack the hoopla that 100 can pack.  My goal in the beginning was no where near this.  As I have said before I simply wanted to be "overweight" and no longer "obese".  I never dreamed of being in my ideal range.  And let me state for the record to those of you who are inclined to worry, yes I am solidly in the middle of a healthy range, and no, I don't intend to lose any more.  Never before in my life have I been in the place where I am truly 100% happy with my weight.  I can honestly say I would start to be unhealthy in the opposite direction if I lost more.  It is a very surreal feeling, and one that still takes some getting used to.  I still wake up in the morning on occasion thinking, "Is this really me?  Healthy weight, living it out?"  I wonder how long it will be before it seems less like a fantasy and more like it's real.

SCCRREEECCHHH!  How about now. 

...on to popcorn.  Those who know me well know I like popcorn.  A lot.  As a matter of fact I have a popcorn problem.  I eat way too much.  As a matter of fact, as honest as I have tried to be here, I don't think I can put it in writing.  It is too embarrassing.  Let's just say whatever amount you are thinking I must eat to be embarrassed, double it and you are getting close.  The problem is that I found a way to make it fit in to my calorie count for the day.  If you air pop it and spray it with no-cal cooking spray and salt it, it is very tasty and very low cal.  So I eat a ton.  I have known somewhere in the back of my head for a long time now that even if I can fit it in to my calorie count it can not be good for me.  And lets face it, this journey is about health, and living out a right relationship with God, not strictly weight.  But as long as my weight was maintaining, it was easy to bury the fact that my behavior was gluttonous. One of the triggers to my weight loss journey began with the recognition that my gluttony and laziness were sinful, and that it was unacceptable to continue to indulge in recognized sin.  So here I am.  Recognizing I am being a glutton again regardless of whether I am fat, and needing to do something about it.  Not to mention that every bad behavior has it's consequences.  I am also dealing with some digestive issues that I have a sneaky suspicion with lead back to my ridiculous level of popcorn consumption.  That's life, huh?  There is a price to pay for continued bad choices.

So amidst my celebrating, various stomach pains and other business of life, I have let things slide a little.  I have not been tracking my calories.  Which is OK in general, but I do believe I need a reality check now and then on what I am eating.  (It is easy to believe yourself when you tell yourself it isn't really THAT bad).  I have made small choices that aren't too awful, except in that I am making them often.  A bite off my kid's plate, OK now and then, bad when it becomes every meal.  Handful of Sun Chips, again not terrible, but how often becomes an issue.  I have been drinking a lot of artificially sweetened drinks.  Not a bad thing, except when it is taking the place of most of your water.  I reached my goal weight, and have a 2 lb. fluctuation that I will allow myself.  The last 2 weeks I have been pushing the +2 end of that fluctuation.  It is so easy to let that go.  "It's only 2 lbs... must be hormonal... give yourself a break... you've been busy...  kids have been sick... can't get to the gym..."  The excuses are endless.  Well, all those excuses put me at +4 over my set weight this morning.  Hmmm.  This seems familiar.  This is how I have begun gaining it all back in the past.

I saw that number on the scale this morning and my first response was to feel helpless.  I had that "here we go, I can't stop it" feeling.  I thought about how busy the week was, and I didn't have time to deal with it, and I don't have my 'ideal' foods in the house right now...  It then occurred to me that that was my old way of thinking.  That is the result of letting sin have a foothold, it will take you the full distance when you allow it.  But then I remembered, sin has no power over me.  Jesus already took care of sin for me, and it has no power.  I am not helpless, as a matter of fact, the battle is already won.  Feeling helpless about my ability to avoid sin is like having won the war and then surrendering to the enemy anyway.  I actually laughed at myself right there in the bathroom.

So, back on the wagon.  I had a completely different breakfast than usual just to shake off my complacency about what I've been eating.  (And I tracked it)  Since I don't have another time, I got my workout in at home this morning, complete with 3 year old "working out" with me and providing constant interruptions.  I have righted my thinking, and am moving forward.  I have the ability to chose what I know is right or choose to be helpless and slowly let that take over my life.  The past is the past and has it's consequences, but the choices I make today count for a lot.  So I will choose to live the life God has so freely gifted me with, a life in which the victory over my sin is already won.  Even if it means... gulp... less popcorn.

Renewal

I'm having one of those months. I'd like to say one of those days, but it seems more accurate to say months. You know those times in your life where the sadness just seems pervasive? When nothing in particular is wrong, but the blues just won't lift. I don't know why it has come or when it will go, but I am tired indeed of the sighing I hear coming from my own two lips. Feeling the need to get out from under this cloud, I have spent much time trying to get to the root of it.


When I get down to it I feel like I have that deep down feeling of just not feeling good enough. In everything. It is one of those times where I feel like I have not been a good enough mom. I feel like I spend so much time on the big kids and school, that my near three year old is deprived. The next moment I feel like I spend so much time attending to my little one that I couldn't possibly be doing justice to my older kids. Then I move on to beat myself up over the fact that I am no where near the wife and housekeeper I should be. When is the last time I did something great to show my husband how much I love him? And my house, where do I even start? I am behind on laundry, everything feels dusty and stuffy, I desperately need to go grocery shopping... Oh yeah, I haven't gone grocery shopping because I have been so bad a manager of my finances lately, that I was putting off the store as long as possible. I feel like a failure of a friend, sister, daughter. What have I had to offer to those I love lately? On that note, how about the community and the world at large? What have I done lately? Then for myself... I have eaten too much popcorn, drank too much diet soda, and not made enough time to get to the gym as often as I should. When I take all this to God in prayer, all my mind will do is chide me as to how I haven't prayed often enough, or read God's Word enough.

In my more sensible moments I know deep down that nothing is really wrong. I recognize the fact that the last month has been particularly stressful in my house. I know that we have all been stuck indoors due to the cold, snow, and blizzards. That's enough to drive a person in to darkness all on it's own. I think my soul is just crying out for renewal. I need warmth, and sun. I need to walk outdoors. I need to dig my hands into the dirt of my garden and see green sprout up. I need to leave the stress behind and find laughter. Most of all, I need to keep my eyes on God, knowing He loves me the same in my failures and my success.

I am going to grab on to the small successes right now. In the past these are the times I would have succumbed to these thoughts. I would have decided that what I did really did not matter, because I had already failed anyway. I'll not let my mood win this time. I would have comforted myself with eating and other self indulgences. Instead, I will hold on to the fact that I am a flawed, but loved child of God. If I have failed, He has forgiven, if not, He sees the truth in my heart. I will simply move forward, eat well, exercise, love others the best I have been enabled, and keep my eyes on God, all the while knowing that soon the sun and warmth will return. Outdoors and in me. It always does.

The Good, The Bad... (and the Ugly)

Like everyone else this time of year, I am looking back at the year behind me and wanting to take stock a little bit.  I figure the best way to know what you want to accomplish is to take a serious look at where you are.  So here it is.  (Warning...this may be TMI for some people.  If this is you stop reading now!!)

The Good

• I have lost 96 lbs to date.
• I have removed a 2 from the front of my clothes size, have all new clothes, and shopping is fun!!
• I don't even know what my cholesterol was before I began but now my good is higher than my bad.
• My whole family is making healthier choices.
• I finally re-sized my rings (two whole sizes) and am so happy I did it!
• My BMI is healthy and my Body Fat Percentage is on the border of athletic.
• I can bench press nearly half my body weight (when my shoulder will let me).
• I bought my good running shoes, am properly stretching, and am up to running 6-8 minutes at a time with 2 minute recoveries.  And no shin pain!
• I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to.

The Bad

• Still struggling with shoulder pain and I'm limited in what I can do in weightlifting.
• In the beginning I probably lost weight too fast.  I really struggled with significant low blood pressure issues.  This has gotten better, but I still have some "grey days" and postural hypotension (plummeting blood pressure when you change position quickly).  Doctors say it might be from the rapid weight loss, or maybe just the way I am at a lower weight.  Also say it may get better, or may not.  Helpful, huh?
• An all new wardrobe is really expensive.  And I will probably have to do it again in the spring as I am a different size than I was last summer.
• I am still bordering on obsessive about what I eat.  I am getting a little better.  There have been several days where I have not logged anything I ate until after dinner, and I found that I can do pretty well eating by instinct at this point.
• I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, even when I can't.

The Ugly

• Still hashing out what a conservative 37 year old should and shouldn't wear, even if she can.
• Even at a healthy weight there are things about my body I will have to accept as consequences of a life of being obese.  (It requires an awful lot of skin to hold an excess of 96 lbs).
• I honestly always thought there was not really a big emotional aspect to my obesity.  WRONG!  Losing the weight has made me feel really vulnerable in a number of ways.  I am still working through dealing with some of the things about myself I never wanted to face.  Believe, me, some of it is really ugly.
• I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to, even when I shouldn't.

The Year to Come

• Work toward running a 5K.  People keep asking me if I have picked one yet.  My answer is no.  Why?  Because if I pick an arbitrary date I will set wisdom aside and hurt myself trying to reach it.  I know at this point I have the determination to stick to my goal.  I would rather work toward it in a sensible way and pick one when I know my body is ready.
• I would like to lose 4 more pounds to reach a solid 100 lb weight loss.  I want to have the self discipline to do this slowly and wisely.
• Next New Year, I want my blog to indicate that (with the exception of the 4 lb loss) I am pretty much the same weight I am now.
• Learn how to live in moderation, and not at extremes.
• Being completely "me" in my relationships is a priority.  I want to get over my fear of vulnerability and failure and rejection.
• Meet God face to face daily, as I am, without excuses, to better be the person He is making me to be.  (Wow, I've got such a long way to go)
• Develop the wisdom to know what I can, can't, should, and shouldn't do, and the maturity to follow through.

Your turn.  I need some inspiration.  What have you accomplished this year?  What are your priorities in the year to come?