I'm having one of those months. I'd like to say one of those days, but it seems more accurate to say months. You know those times in your life where the sadness just seems pervasive? When nothing in particular is wrong, but the blues just won't lift. I don't know why it has come or when it will go, but I am tired indeed of the sighing I hear coming from my own two lips. Feeling the need to get out from under this cloud, I have spent much time trying to get to the root of it.
When I get down to it I feel like I have that deep down feeling of just not feeling good enough. In everything. It is one of those times where I feel like I have not been a good enough mom. I feel like I spend so much time on the big kids and school, that my near three year old is deprived. The next moment I feel like I spend so much time attending to my little one that I couldn't possibly be doing justice to my older kids. Then I move on to beat myself up over the fact that I am no where near the wife and housekeeper I should be. When is the last time I did something great to show my husband how much I love him? And my house, where do I even start? I am behind on laundry, everything feels dusty and stuffy, I desperately need to go grocery shopping... Oh yeah, I haven't gone grocery shopping because I have been so bad a manager of my finances lately, that I was putting off the store as long as possible. I feel like a failure of a friend, sister, daughter. What have I had to offer to those I love lately? On that note, how about the community and the world at large? What have I done lately? Then for myself... I have eaten too much popcorn, drank too much diet soda, and not made enough time to get to the gym as often as I should. When I take all this to God in prayer, all my mind will do is chide me as to how I haven't prayed often enough, or read God's Word enough.
In my more sensible moments I know deep down that nothing is really wrong. I recognize the fact that the last month has been particularly stressful in my house. I know that we have all been stuck indoors due to the cold, snow, and blizzards. That's enough to drive a person in to darkness all on it's own. I think my soul is just crying out for renewal. I need warmth, and sun. I need to walk outdoors. I need to dig my hands into the dirt of my garden and see green sprout up. I need to leave the stress behind and find laughter. Most of all, I need to keep my eyes on God, knowing He loves me the same in my failures and my success.
I am going to grab on to the small successes right now. In the past these are the times I would have succumbed to these thoughts. I would have decided that what I did really did not matter, because I had already failed anyway. I'll not let my mood win this time. I would have comforted myself with eating and other self indulgences. Instead, I will hold on to the fact that I am a flawed, but loved child of God. If I have failed, He has forgiven, if not, He sees the truth in my heart. I will simply move forward, eat well, exercise, love others the best I have been enabled, and keep my eyes on God, all the while knowing that soon the sun and warmth will return. Outdoors and in me. It always does.
