I had struggled for years with a vague feeling of nothingness. That place where you are not sad, not happy. You don't harbor bad feelings toward anyone, yet also have no overwhelming feelings for anyone at all. It is a nice safe place where I was somewhat numb to that which was happening around me. It is really a comfortable place to be. Nothing hurts too much, but at the same time you know there should be more out there for you. I'm guessing some of you have no clue what I'm talking about and some of you are already nodding your heads.
Looking back over the years I believe I had myself fairly well hidden. I would expose just small pieces of myself to see which ones would gain approval and acceptance. Where acceptance was present, I would allow more of myself to come through. However, the mere hint that I might displease or disappoint someone was an indication to hide or even run away, quickly and completely. The thought that I might disappoint someone was way more devastating to me than I care to admit. The rejection just hurts too much. It is much less painful to keep yourself protected from others.
I think weight was a handy tool in hiding for several reasons. For one thing, weight was an excuse to not try new things. "I couldn't possibly do that." "That is too hard for me." If I never attempt anything, no one can think badly of me for failing. It is also a good excuse should someone think negatively about you. "It's not me, it's my weight they don't like." Finally, eating is a poor, but often used, substitute to real emotion. Rather than experience real joy in life I settled for feelings of fleeting pleasure in eating things.
So I think I have understood the stuffing away emotions in exchange for food for a long time. It goes in Chapter 1 of every weight loss book ever written, right? The hard part is how to begin to feel again when you have gotten so numb. For me it has been a step by step process of developing a sense of real intimacy with people in my life. To do this I have had to let go of fearing rejection. It is impossible to have a real relationship with anyone without exposing the real you. This blog is a tangible part of that process. Not that I think I am experiencing real intimacy with every reader, but I am practicing telling people who I am. All of who I am. Sometimes... OK, all the time... it is really scary, sometimes its ugly, and sometimes it feels just plain painful.
But it is getting easier all the time. The walls are coming down all around me. I have felt that it is so much easier to be authentic with the people in my life. This authenticity has lead to deeper intimacy with my husband, my kids, and many of my friends. I am sure some don't like me as I am. I am even learning to be OK with that. God has been holding me very close, reminding me that I am a beloved child of God. He loves me faults and all and is working His sanctification out in me.
That brings us to the last piece of my title. Big sigh...I might as well say it... expectations. Ugh. I am shuddering even now. The connection clicked in head just recently. A natural extension of my fear of having emotional connections and authentic intimacy with people is that they will have expectations of me. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. What if people have expectations of who I am and how I should be and I fail them? I have said right from the beginning of this blog that I struggle with laziness. Let's face it, it is easier to have excuses and to hold yourself aloof than to face challenging expectations. But the deeper you are in relationship with people, the more of yourself you need to invest.
This was driven home in a bible study lesson this week. The question was posed (and I am paraphrasing here); How much of God do you want? Do you want just a comfortable portion that makes you feel good? Or do you want the fullness of God? The kind of fullness of God that busts down your comfort zone?
God has exposed every raw emotion I possess over the past months. In that time He has loved me so tenderly it has brought me to my knees. Now that I have known His love in such fullness I don't ever want to be apart from it. He is my Lord and my Savior. He has been for a long time, but I have held Him at a certain arms length, where it is much more comfortable. But the walls are down. Real intimacy with God demands that there is no limit to how much of Him you allow in your life. And allowing the fullness of God in your life will most definitely bring about some challenging expectations. God certainly has plans for me that will fall far outside my comfort zone. If that is where He is, it is where I want to be.
The lazy, scared part of me wants to dig in my heels and stay right where I am, comfortable. If I don't try I won't fail. But I know I have come too far. God is holding out His hand and inviting me to come along for the ride. Where and to do what? I haven't a clue. Will I fail along the way? Most certainly. Will it hurt sometimes? Most likely. Am I in? You bet!
