I really should be drifting off to sleep right now, but there are thoughts in my head that will not rest and words that are demanding that I share them. It is a dangerous time to give in to such a temptation. Often in the morning we regret giving in to thoughts that may have been induced by a tired mind. But, I promised myself I would be true to my thoughts and honest beyond what I am comfortable with. Sometimes the late night thoughts are the rawest, most honest ones we have, so here it goes.
This post is really more of a personal train of thought that I need to share with a woman that I love very much. (I hope you don't mind that I have made it public.) The rest of you are welcome to listen in.
I have had a frustrating few weeks. It started with the shin pain I wrote about last time. Shortly after that I began to have pain in my left shoulder. This is terrifying to me. Why? Well, those who have know me in recent years remember that I had shoulder surgery a few years ago. It was right at the tail end of having lost a good amount of weight. The shoulder had troubled me for years, but had really become quite painful and was not responding to any physical therapies that were prescribed. The doctor finally sent me for an MRI, and they discovered a deformation in my shoulder bones. In layman's terms they over curve in to the ligaments and muscle underneath. At some point I had done something to cause an inflammation in my right shoulder, making it so that the over curved bone further dug in to the tissue underneath causing more inflammation, etc. The only way to alleviate the issue was to go in and repair the tissue damage and shave off the over curved bone.
Those of you who have had shoulder surgery know this is a painful operation with a long recovery. In the aftermath of this surgery I gained all of the weight back and then some. They told me at some point in the future I would probably have the same problem with the left shoulder and need surgery for it as well. I have always been very careful with my left shoulder, trying to avoid an initial injury that will cause the inflammation that will send me on that road again.
But then about 1 1/2 weeks ago the twinge of pain began. It is far from disastrous right now, but none the less, I am frightened. I have worked so hard to get to a healthy place in my life. But here I have sat unable to exercise the way I am used to for nearly two weeks now. Between resting my shin and doing everything in my power to reverse the inflammation in my shoulder, I am having a hard time knowing what to do. I have mostly been holding a kick board to my chest and doing laps in the pool until my calves are ready to revolt. There is little else I can do that won't further injure either problem. My weight has gone up 2 pounds, but is holding there. I am under doctor's orders not to restrict my calories right now due to low blood pressure issues. So I am biding my time and waiting out my injuries the best I know how.
I met with my personal trainer tonight (only one more free session left) and she was so helpful. She gave me a bit of a routine to do out of the water, and a few markers that will help me know when my shin and my shoulder are ready for more. But still, I am scared. I am afraid of what it would mean if my shoulder doesn't get better. I am afraid of losing my motivation while I am sidelined from the game.
This is where you come in, my friend. I know my problems are small. I know that while they loom big in my own life, they are minute in the scheme of things and may even appear silly to those outside my head. But God cares about even my small problems.
I laid down in bed tonight and began to pray for you and the greater struggle you are in right now. My heart is torn apart for the pain I know you are feeling. This is what God gave me.
Jer 29:10-14 This is what the Lord says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
We often hear just the part of this verse that says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. God did have plans to prosper His people, but this promise was going to come after seventy years of captivity. God had some things to teach His people before they were ready to receive what He had for them. I have told you this before, but it is time to say it again. God did not want you (or your family) to suffer. But this world being what it is, there will be suffering. He will use these circumstances to bring about a blessing. It may not be what you wanted, or look like anything you planned on. But He has plans. They are full of hope and a future. I know deep in my heart He has bigger plans than you can fathom. And know this as well. His plans are not just for you. He will bless many people you know while He brings redemption to your suffering.
As I prayed for you tonight God gave me those words for you. But He used them to give me hope as well. My God is good. He has plans for me They are for a hope and a future. I may travel through hardship to get there, but He will bring me there on a path He has laid for me to travel, what ever it may be. Because of you, dear friend, I sit here tonight giving Glory to the Lord we both love. I hope it brings you a measure of peace to know the work God is doing in me, because of you. For you, I pray He will bring healing, as well as glimpses of the future He has planned.
Everyone else, thank you for indulging me in this public, private message. Deep down I felt I needed to share it this way. Maybe it will mean something to you too.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I will...
Last April I was about a month away from the finale of the biggest loser contest I was participating in. I was doing some serious cardio exercise, and had lost about 45 lbs at that point. I had already won a few personal training sessions at the gym. The trainer wanted me to refocus some of my efforts on weightlifting and other toning and strengthening exercises. Having learned that building muscle was essential to maintaining weight loss, I was all for that.
It was at one of these training sessions that she had me doing some leg lifts, the kind where you lay with your back flat on the floor and keeping your legs straight, lift them off the floor until they are pointing toward the ceiling. The muscles required for this activity were possibly my weakest muscles at this point. She wanted me to do five of these leg lifts. I tried and my legs collapsed at three. She said, "We will try again." We did, and again I could only do three. She says again, "We will do it again until you get five." So once more I tried, and once more I gave out at three.
This is were she said the words that have possibly changed the rest of my life. "Kim, you can do five. If you let yourself quit, you will know you can't do it. If you tell your body it can do five, and make it happen, you're body will know you are in control. Now lets do five." And you know what, I did five. Two sessions later I could do ten. Today, I could do them as long as I want to.
I learned a huge lesson through that experience. Having bad shoulders, I never thought I could do a dip, but now I can. Lunges and squats? Not with my knees. Now I do them while holding weights. I feel powerful, and have determined that I will never again be an "I can't." I have decided to be a "I will."
This leads me to my current struggle. Running is one of those things that was always an "I can't" for me. It hurt my knees and feet too much, and I couldn't breath if I ran even a minute. I had written it off as one of those things I'd never do. So, I have determined that I will. I won't let it beat me. My knees and feet don't hurt anymore, so it was time to begin tackling this. I started doing a few test jogs on the treadmill a few weeks ago and found it not to bad. My impatience got the best of me, and this past weekend I ran my first mile in 11 years. I was so pleased I could do it! I felt so good I ran a mile again on Monday. Later that night the shin pain set in. Tuesday I limped all day. After some input from friends I rotated ice and heat all day. Internet research has shown me what I should have known to begin with. I jumped in too fast. I know nothing about how to run properly, how to prevent injuries, and I didn't work up to that first mile.
A few people have told me that running is so hard on the body that it would be better to stick with other cardio activities. But my problem is, that I would feel as if let an "I can't" get the best of me and I am not that person anymore. The ridiculous part is that I don't even really want to be a runner. If I worked up to a 5K and completed it successfully, I would be happy to just go for a small jog now and then, or maybe even not run anymore. But right now, I need to know that I can. So the question is, is this unfailing dedication or stubborn stupidity? To be honest, I am not sure which it is.
But here is where I have ended up. In my bible study we have been studying the definition of gentleness. It means "power under control." Most off my adult life I have felt powerless. Now I feel empowered to do anything. What I lack is the control. Sure I can run a 5K, but I am going to need to exercise control in order to get there. It seems like I should know this. The same philosophy applies to weight loss and maintenance. Most anyone can lose weight. But many miss out on putting on the "control" in order to do it well, with patience and in a way that will last forever, not just give them the gratification of instant results. (Believe me, I understand. I lost weight out of control in the beginning and it felt so good, but I have lasting consequences as a result. But that's another blog...)
So now I back up. First, I will pray that God will take the reins out of my hands and give me patience. Next, I will let my shins heal. Then, I will start back at the beginning with running, learning how to do it well, finding the proper shoes, how to prevent injury, etc. Then I will work up to that mile slowly, then up to my 5K. But the point is, I will...under control.
It was at one of these training sessions that she had me doing some leg lifts, the kind where you lay with your back flat on the floor and keeping your legs straight, lift them off the floor until they are pointing toward the ceiling. The muscles required for this activity were possibly my weakest muscles at this point. She wanted me to do five of these leg lifts. I tried and my legs collapsed at three. She said, "We will try again." We did, and again I could only do three. She says again, "We will do it again until you get five." So once more I tried, and once more I gave out at three.
This is were she said the words that have possibly changed the rest of my life. "Kim, you can do five. If you let yourself quit, you will know you can't do it. If you tell your body it can do five, and make it happen, you're body will know you are in control. Now lets do five." And you know what, I did five. Two sessions later I could do ten. Today, I could do them as long as I want to.
I learned a huge lesson through that experience. Having bad shoulders, I never thought I could do a dip, but now I can. Lunges and squats? Not with my knees. Now I do them while holding weights. I feel powerful, and have determined that I will never again be an "I can't." I have decided to be a "I will."
This leads me to my current struggle. Running is one of those things that was always an "I can't" for me. It hurt my knees and feet too much, and I couldn't breath if I ran even a minute. I had written it off as one of those things I'd never do. So, I have determined that I will. I won't let it beat me. My knees and feet don't hurt anymore, so it was time to begin tackling this. I started doing a few test jogs on the treadmill a few weeks ago and found it not to bad. My impatience got the best of me, and this past weekend I ran my first mile in 11 years. I was so pleased I could do it! I felt so good I ran a mile again on Monday. Later that night the shin pain set in. Tuesday I limped all day. After some input from friends I rotated ice and heat all day. Internet research has shown me what I should have known to begin with. I jumped in too fast. I know nothing about how to run properly, how to prevent injuries, and I didn't work up to that first mile.
A few people have told me that running is so hard on the body that it would be better to stick with other cardio activities. But my problem is, that I would feel as if let an "I can't" get the best of me and I am not that person anymore. The ridiculous part is that I don't even really want to be a runner. If I worked up to a 5K and completed it successfully, I would be happy to just go for a small jog now and then, or maybe even not run anymore. But right now, I need to know that I can. So the question is, is this unfailing dedication or stubborn stupidity? To be honest, I am not sure which it is.
But here is where I have ended up. In my bible study we have been studying the definition of gentleness. It means "power under control." Most off my adult life I have felt powerless. Now I feel empowered to do anything. What I lack is the control. Sure I can run a 5K, but I am going to need to exercise control in order to get there. It seems like I should know this. The same philosophy applies to weight loss and maintenance. Most anyone can lose weight. But many miss out on putting on the "control" in order to do it well, with patience and in a way that will last forever, not just give them the gratification of instant results. (Believe me, I understand. I lost weight out of control in the beginning and it felt so good, but I have lasting consequences as a result. But that's another blog...)
So now I back up. First, I will pray that God will take the reins out of my hands and give me patience. Next, I will let my shins heal. Then, I will start back at the beginning with running, learning how to do it well, finding the proper shoes, how to prevent injury, etc. Then I will work up to that mile slowly, then up to my 5K. But the point is, I will...under control.
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