Strength... I have given this attribute more than it's fair share of my thought over the last few months. Most of you are aware that my family has walked through a major medical issue with my 11 year old son this summer. If not, feel free to browse through my other blog (probably would like to start with "a Summary" posted early Sept.) I'll get back to that in a moment. Anyway, I have had a few thoughts on strength and feel compelled to share them.
As an obese person I have to say I often felt powerless. Powerless to change, lacking strength to do the work of change. Lacking strength to even contemplate the work it would take to lose 100 lbs. So why bother? It often seemed impossible. When you look at your situation in that way it truly is often impossible to begin. The overwhelming feeling threatens to paralyze you. I think that when I began to lose weight it was because I looked at it in much smaller goals. My initial goal was 40 lbs. I did not even see 100 as a attainable. But 40 lbs I could work towards. I found that as I worked towards that, I grew physically stronger through practice. My confidence that I could persevere grew as I saw results on the scale. By the time I hit 40 lbs, I felt strong enough to go for 50, 60, 70... and so on. I began to learn that the steady practice of training myself to push on when I didn't want to resulted in steady weight loss and eventually maintenance. It doesn't really matter if you feel strong enough, if you feel like working out, if you feel like eating what you should. It was a decision to do it anyway, one choice at a time. It sounds so simple, but knowing it is true in your head and seeing the proof of it in your life are two very different things. I know you know what I am talking about. Even if it is not weight, there is always something in your life that you know you want, but can't summon the motivation to do. But you also know that when you have taken that same thing on and made the right choice, moment by moment, the fulfillment of it's fruit shows in your life and it gets easier.
But what about when the impossible pops up in your life? This is where I found myself early in the summer. When I first learned about my son's condition, I knew I was not strong enough to handle it. As a matter of fact I told God so. I literally laid face down on the floor and wept to God, telling him "I can't do this Lord! I am not strong enough." Ironically, this was the same day that my parents were in a horrible train crash. (They were OK, but there were fatalities) He let me weep and then told me in that still small voice it was time to get up and go make dinner. He would supply the strength necessary to do that one simple task. I didn't really feel like I had the strength in my legs to stand up, but I have practiced trusting and obeying that still small voice. I trusted He would give me what I needed to simply make dinner, and do it with appropriate composure in front of my children. So, I took a deep breath, stood, washed my face and made dinner. God was faithful to supply the strength.
Over the next few weeks, every doctors appointment, every phone call, every new event seemed to add one more layer of difficulty to the situation. I remember thinking every time, "this is as bad as it can get, right?" But with each new occurrence, I would once again tell the Lord, "I can't handle this, God, really. I mean it this time." But every time, He asked only that I take one small step and promised He would supply the strength. This is how I spent the summer. I woke up every morning knowing I was completely devoid of the capability to handle the demands of the day. But I also knew that God would allow me the strength to get up, get dressed make breakfast and get to the front porch with my bible.
It was there on my front porch that God supplied what I needed for the remainder of the day. I read about His faithfulness, His grace, His promise of grace, His sovereignty. I read through old testament prophets cries of sorrow, and new testament apostles joys and shouts of praise. In those words I found perspective on what this life is: just a small dot on the timeline of eternity. I experienced anew who God is, and how unfathomable and perfect His plan is for us as He weaves every moment into a beautiful, perfect eternity for those who are His. I filled with wonder again at the grace I have been given to belong to such a God and to have been reconciled to Him through to blood of Jesus. What is today's trouble when compared to the gift we have been given of eternity. With this perspective in mind, I knew today, as overwhelming as it may seem, was so small. This gave me courage to trust that for one more day God, with His infinite supply of strength, would see me through that which seemed impossible to do. Every day saw hours of phone calls, impossible choices, one more set back to cope with and adjust to. But I also learned to trust a little more each day that this was indeed part of God's plan, and He had something beautiful to create with it.
So one thing I have heard over and over again the past few months is, "you are so strong". I have been with myself on my bedroom floor, crying that I can't do it. I have known deep inside the feeling that my legs simply would not hold me up right now. I have stepped out of hospital rooms to breakdown because I couldn't take it another moment. I am incredibly aware of just how weak I truly am because I have seen my strength abandon me. 2 Corinthians 12:19 says, But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I know this truth in an intimate way now. I have seen my utter weakness and seen God's strength take over. I have gotten up off the floor and gotten on with the tasks before me, I have walked on legs I knew had no strength, and I have walked back into hospital rooms to attend to my child when I knew in the depth of my soul I had nothing left to give. I truly know it was only by God's strength working in me. Please don't be tempted to respond to this telling me that I am mistaken, that I really am strong. By doing this you would only diminish the strength in my life. My greatest strength is pitiful when shown in comparison to the infinite strength of my God. I would much rather know weakness that God's strength would be made mighty in me.
All He asked of me was the courage to trust Him and believe He would supply the rest. This courage and trust has come from long practice. I have seen God prove faithful in the small things, and know He will be faithful in the large. I have seen Him create beauty out of events that have seemed to be a mess. I know He is working that beautiful plan even when I can't see it. Part of what I pray and hope is that God has changed lives through this journey we have taken. I was a saved believer before this, but He has changed my relationship and trust in Him forever.
I pray that some of you will have been changed as well. The knowledge that God would be glorified has provided me with much courage. It is my ultimate desire. For this goal I am confident God will provide all the strength I need.
