I am such an all or nothing kind of girl. It is not enough for me to read a book. I either need to not read anything at all, or I read a ten book series in two weeks, while my house falls apart around me. I have always been that way. When I find a new craft I am obsessed! I buy everything I can and go at it like crazy until I find the next thing to move on to.
I can't help but compare this tendency to my life right now. I decided to loose weight, so that is what my life became about for a while. I had friends concerned about the amount of time I was spending in the gym. I poured over all of the information I could find on how to eat right, exercise right, etc. So I am over the obsessive hump, but there are still a few aspects of it that stick with me. I still track every calorie that goes in to my mouth. Obsessive, or just wise? I don't eat a bite of ice cream or tortilla chips. I don't feel like it would be a good idea, moderation is not a practice I am good at. Is this a good standard for my life or am I setting myself up for one huge binge someday? I am at the gym 4-5 times a week. Can I do that forever? These are questions I don't know the answer to right now.
I am starting to experiment a little bit. I have eaten a whole days worth of food prior to entering it in my little calculator. My numbers came out perfectly, as if I had planned every bite. Maybe I can start to trust myself just a little there. I went to the gym three times one week. My world, and my return to my schedule, didn't fall apart. I do know that 5 workouts is exhausting, and 3 leaves me feeling blah. Think I'll stick to 4 for now. About taking a bite of ice cream? Hmmm...not quite yet. Still too scary. I know that one taste of Moose Tracks has never been enough. Aside from that, I don't miss it or want it, so why go there?
I will continue to pray that God will grow me to be a person who better embraces moderation. Until then I am sticking solidly to the straight and narrow. I am also sending up prayers for many women (and man) in my life who are walking the same road. Thanks for walking it with me. Stick with what you know is right, not just easy and fast. I love you all and am proud of you!!
(...I should find a little pounds lost calculator. I would love to know how much collective weight me and my friends have lost!)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Till Death Do Us Part
Many things have changed for me since I have lost weight. I have changed sizes in about every way possible. I have needed new clothes. I have had to get a few transition pieces of clothing, and an entirely new wardrobe right down to, well, everything. This fall I realized I didn't even have a coat that didn't look ridiculous on me. I make it a point to regularly replace my gym shoes, so they were OK. However, rarely having the need to dress up, I went to put on my dress shoes and realized I literally couldn't keep them on my feet. They just kept flipping off! Needing them right away, I stuffed some knee high nylons (since they only kept falling down around my ankles anyway) into the toes and made do. But here's where I have run into a problem...
My wedding rings. Starting mid summer they were so loose I have had to really be aware of keeping them on my finger. When I swim or shower, I have to take them off completely, as they will fly right off. Finally, about two weeks ago I went to the grocery store and they slid right off my finger and into the bag I was carrying...twice. No longer wanting to take a chance at loosing them I decided it was time to take them off. These rings are really important to me. One is the diamond that Greg bought me upon our engagement, his promise to marry and spend his life with me. Then there is my wedding band. It is a solid gold band representing our union and commitment to one another that goes on with no end. The third ring is a band given to me by Greg a few Christmas's back. This ring represents to me the third cord of our marriage. It is the promise that God is in our marriage as well, that together we are wedded to Him...and not even in death do we part from Him. My attachment to these rings is emotional and very personal.
Since they became loose, I have flippantly commented many times that I need to get them re sized. It was more expensive that I originally thought so I had not gotten around to it yet. Just this week, shortly after needing to take the rings off, my husband earned a small bonus at work for going beyond the call of duty (excuse my taking the opportunity to brag on him, but he is an awesome employee, and frequently gives me cause to be proud). So we are discussing how this money should be used, and he decides of the opportunities available that it should be used to re size my rings. All of the sudden, I am very frightened of going through with it.
I love my rings and want to wear them again. I love what they symbolize and want the world to know I have a deep and unending commitment to my husband and my God. So, what in the world is my problem? I had no idea! All I know is I suddenly want to slow down and think about it first, or just do something else with the money. At any rate, I am left feeling very uncomfortable.
Deciding that this was just silly, I set out to think through what was really bothering me, and here is what I came up with. My rings have a deep personal meaning symbolizing some of the most important things in my life, God and Greg, (and of course as an extension of the marriage, my children). I think I am afraid of disappointing all the parties involved. From what I understand sizing a ring down is not a big deal, but if it had to be re sized up again it would begin to weaken the metal. Aside from that, Greg is choosing to spend "extra", that he earned through his own hard work, on me. What if I gain weight back. What if I have to re-size them up? In the end, I would know I had disappointed God by turning back to my laziness and gluttony (yes, I know that once again He would forgive me, but I don't want that to have to happen). I would disappoint my kids. They have changed their eating and exercise habits along with me. They deserve my commitment to the long haul. And I would disappoint my husband. He would have wasted his bonus on me. On top of that, he is proud of me. I really, really don't want to disappoint him. I treasure his opinion of me too much. I felt really weighted down by this, and at the same time foolish that I still didn't believe in myself for the long term.
With all this swimming in my head, I tell Greg that I am scared to re size my ring. I confide, "What if I gain the weight back? It just seems like so much more of a permanent commitment than changing my wardrobe." And this is why I love my husband...he replies, "don't make this more than it is, and aside from that, you're not gaining it back." Simple, straight, to the point, and full of quiet wisdom. First and foremost, my kids love me, my husband loves me, and my God loves me. Nothing will change that. Secondly, they are just rings. Nothing changes the commitments that they symbolize. Third, and something that my smaller rings can further symbolize to me...I won't gain it back. One more step on my journey, take a deep breath... I am committed to this... forever... no turning back.
My wedding rings. Starting mid summer they were so loose I have had to really be aware of keeping them on my finger. When I swim or shower, I have to take them off completely, as they will fly right off. Finally, about two weeks ago I went to the grocery store and they slid right off my finger and into the bag I was carrying...twice. No longer wanting to take a chance at loosing them I decided it was time to take them off. These rings are really important to me. One is the diamond that Greg bought me upon our engagement, his promise to marry and spend his life with me. Then there is my wedding band. It is a solid gold band representing our union and commitment to one another that goes on with no end. The third ring is a band given to me by Greg a few Christmas's back. This ring represents to me the third cord of our marriage. It is the promise that God is in our marriage as well, that together we are wedded to Him...and not even in death do we part from Him. My attachment to these rings is emotional and very personal.
Since they became loose, I have flippantly commented many times that I need to get them re sized. It was more expensive that I originally thought so I had not gotten around to it yet. Just this week, shortly after needing to take the rings off, my husband earned a small bonus at work for going beyond the call of duty (excuse my taking the opportunity to brag on him, but he is an awesome employee, and frequently gives me cause to be proud). So we are discussing how this money should be used, and he decides of the opportunities available that it should be used to re size my rings. All of the sudden, I am very frightened of going through with it.
I love my rings and want to wear them again. I love what they symbolize and want the world to know I have a deep and unending commitment to my husband and my God. So, what in the world is my problem? I had no idea! All I know is I suddenly want to slow down and think about it first, or just do something else with the money. At any rate, I am left feeling very uncomfortable.
Deciding that this was just silly, I set out to think through what was really bothering me, and here is what I came up with. My rings have a deep personal meaning symbolizing some of the most important things in my life, God and Greg, (and of course as an extension of the marriage, my children). I think I am afraid of disappointing all the parties involved. From what I understand sizing a ring down is not a big deal, but if it had to be re sized up again it would begin to weaken the metal. Aside from that, Greg is choosing to spend "extra", that he earned through his own hard work, on me. What if I gain weight back. What if I have to re-size them up? In the end, I would know I had disappointed God by turning back to my laziness and gluttony (yes, I know that once again He would forgive me, but I don't want that to have to happen). I would disappoint my kids. They have changed their eating and exercise habits along with me. They deserve my commitment to the long haul. And I would disappoint my husband. He would have wasted his bonus on me. On top of that, he is proud of me. I really, really don't want to disappoint him. I treasure his opinion of me too much. I felt really weighted down by this, and at the same time foolish that I still didn't believe in myself for the long term.
With all this swimming in my head, I tell Greg that I am scared to re size my ring. I confide, "What if I gain the weight back? It just seems like so much more of a permanent commitment than changing my wardrobe." And this is why I love my husband...he replies, "don't make this more than it is, and aside from that, you're not gaining it back." Simple, straight, to the point, and full of quiet wisdom. First and foremost, my kids love me, my husband loves me, and my God loves me. Nothing will change that. Secondly, they are just rings. Nothing changes the commitments that they symbolize. Third, and something that my smaller rings can further symbolize to me...I won't gain it back. One more step on my journey, take a deep breath... I am committed to this... forever... no turning back.
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