Till Death Do Us Part

Many things have changed for me since I have lost weight.  I have changed sizes in about every way possible.  I have needed new clothes.  I have had to get a few transition pieces of clothing, and an entirely new wardrobe right down to, well, everything.  This fall I realized I didn't even have a coat that didn't look ridiculous on me.  I make it a point to regularly replace my gym shoes, so they were OK.  However, rarely having the need to dress up, I went to put on my dress shoes and realized I literally couldn't keep them on my feet.  They just kept flipping off!  Needing them right away, I stuffed some knee high nylons (since they only kept falling down around my ankles anyway) into the toes and made do.  But here's where I have run into a problem...

My wedding rings.  Starting mid summer they were so loose I have had to really be aware of keeping them on my finger.  When I swim or shower, I have to take them off completely, as they will fly right off.  Finally, about two weeks ago I went to the grocery store and they slid right off my finger and into the bag I was carrying...twice.  No longer wanting to take a chance at loosing them I decided it was time to take them off.  These rings are really important to me.  One is the diamond that Greg bought me upon our engagement, his promise to marry and spend his life with me.  Then there is my wedding band.  It is a solid gold band representing our union and commitment to one another that goes on with no end.  The third ring is a band given to me by Greg a few Christmas's back.  This ring represents to me the third cord of our marriage.  It is the promise that God is in our marriage as well, that together we are wedded to Him...and not even in death do we part from Him.  My attachment to these rings is emotional and very personal.

Since they became loose, I have flippantly commented many times that I need to get them re sized.  It was more expensive that I originally thought so I had not gotten around to it yet.  Just this week, shortly after needing to take the rings off, my husband earned a small bonus at work for going beyond the call of duty (excuse my taking the opportunity to brag on him, but he is an awesome employee, and frequently gives me cause to be proud).  So we are discussing how this money should be used, and he decides of the opportunities available that it should be used to re size my rings.  All of the sudden, I am very frightened of going through with it.

I love my rings and want to wear them again.  I love what they symbolize and want the world to know I have a deep and unending commitment to my husband and my God.  So, what in the world is my problem?  I had no idea!  All I know is I suddenly want to slow down and think about it first, or just do something else with the money.  At any rate, I am left feeling very uncomfortable.

Deciding that this was just silly, I set out to think through what was really bothering me, and here is what I came up with.  My rings have a deep personal meaning symbolizing some of the most important things in my life, God and Greg, (and of course as an extension of the marriage, my children).  I think I am afraid of disappointing all the parties involved.  From what I understand sizing a ring down is not a big deal, but if it had to be re sized up again it would begin to weaken the metal. Aside from that, Greg is choosing to spend "extra", that he earned through his own hard work, on me.  What if I gain weight back.  What if I have to re-size them up?  In the end, I would know I had disappointed God by turning back to my laziness and gluttony (yes, I know that once again He would forgive me, but I don't want that to have to happen).  I would disappoint my kids.  They have changed their eating and exercise habits along with me.  They deserve my commitment to the long haul.  And I would disappoint my husband.  He would have wasted his bonus on me.  On top of that, he is proud of me.  I really, really don't want to disappoint him.  I treasure his opinion of me too much.  I felt really weighted down by this, and at the same time foolish that I still didn't believe in myself for the long term.

With all this swimming in my head, I tell Greg that I am scared to re size my ring.  I confide, "What if I gain the weight back?  It just seems like so much more of a permanent commitment than changing my wardrobe."  And this is why I love my husband...he replies, "don't make this more than it is, and aside from that, you're not gaining it back."   Simple, straight, to the point, and full of quiet wisdom.  First and foremost, my kids love me, my husband loves me, and my God loves me.  Nothing will change that.  Secondly, they are just rings.  Nothing changes the commitments that they symbolize.  Third, and something that my smaller rings can further symbolize to me...I won't gain it back.  One more step on my journey, take a deep breath... I am committed to this... forever... no turning back.