I will...

Last April I was about a month away from the finale of the biggest loser contest I was participating in.  I was doing some serious cardio exercise, and had lost about 45 lbs at that point.  I had already won a few personal training sessions at the gym.  The trainer wanted me to refocus some of my efforts on weightlifting and other toning and strengthening exercises.  Having learned that building muscle was essential to maintaining weight loss, I was all for that.

It was at one of these training sessions that she had me doing some leg lifts, the kind where you lay with your back flat on the floor and keeping your legs straight, lift them off the floor until they are pointing toward the ceiling.  The muscles required for this activity were possibly my weakest muscles at this point.  She wanted me to do five of these leg lifts.  I tried and my legs collapsed at three.  She said, "We will try again."  We did, and again I could only do three.  She says again, "We will do it again until you get five."  So once more I tried, and once more I gave out at three.

This is were she said the words that have possibly changed the rest of my life.  "Kim, you can do five.  If you let yourself quit, you will know you can't do it.  If you tell your body it can do five, and make it happen, you're body will know you are in control.  Now lets do five."  And you know what, I did five.  Two sessions later I could do ten.  Today, I could do them as long as I want to. 

I learned a huge lesson through that experience.  Having bad shoulders, I never thought I could do a dip, but now I can.  Lunges and squats?  Not with my knees.  Now I do them while holding weights.  I feel powerful, and have determined that I will never again be an "I can't."  I have decided to be a "I will."

This leads me to my current struggle.  Running is one of those things that was always an "I can't" for me.  It hurt my knees and feet too much, and I couldn't breath if I ran even a minute.  I had written it off as one of those things I'd never do.  So, I have determined that I will.  I won't let it beat me.  My knees and feet don't hurt anymore, so it was time to begin tackling this.  I started doing a few test jogs on the treadmill a few weeks ago and found it not to bad.  My impatience got the best of me, and this past weekend I ran my first mile in 11 years.  I was so pleased I could do it!  I felt so good I ran a mile again on Monday.  Later that night the shin pain set in.  Tuesday I limped all day.  After some input from friends I rotated ice and heat all day.  Internet research has shown me what I should have known to begin with.  I jumped in too fast.  I know nothing about how to run properly, how to prevent injuries, and I didn't work up to that first mile.

A few people have told me that running is so hard on the body that it would be better to stick with other cardio activities.  But my problem is, that I would feel as if let an "I can't" get the best of me and I am not that person anymore.  The ridiculous part is that I don't even really want to be a runner.  If I worked up to a 5K and completed it successfully, I would be happy to just go for a small jog now and then, or maybe even not run anymore.  But right now, I need to know that I can.  So the question is, is this unfailing dedication or stubborn stupidity?  To be honest, I am not sure which it is.

But here is where I have ended up.  In my bible study we have been studying the definition of gentleness.  It means "power under control."  Most off my adult life I have felt powerless.  Now I feel empowered to do anything.  What I lack is the control.  Sure I can run a 5K, but I am going to need to exercise control in order to get there.  It seems like I should know this.  The same philosophy applies to weight loss and maintenance.  Most anyone can lose weight.  But many miss out on putting on the "control" in order to do it well, with patience and in a way that will last forever, not just give them the gratification of instant results.  (Believe me, I understand.  I lost weight out of control in the beginning and it felt so good, but I have lasting consequences as a result.  But that's another blog...) 

So now I back up.  First, I will pray that God will take the reins out of my hands and give me patience.  Next, I will let my shins heal.  Then, I will start back at the beginning with running, learning how to do it well, finding the proper shoes, how to prevent injury, etc.  Then I will work up to that mile slowly, then up to my 5K.  But the point is, I will...under control.