I have been away for a while and feel like I have so much to share, so here we go...
About a month ago, I finally reached a 100 lb. weight loss!!!! Yeah, hurrah, lots of screaming, confetti, and so on. Let me take a moment to celebrate before I carry on. It feels so good to say I lost 100. 96 lbs was a lot, but just seems to lack the hoopla that 100 can pack. My goal in the beginning was no where near this. As I have said before I simply wanted to be "overweight" and no longer "obese". I never dreamed of being in my ideal range. And let me state for the record to those of you who are inclined to worry, yes I am solidly in the middle of a healthy range, and no, I don't intend to lose any more. Never before in my life have I been in the place where I am truly 100% happy with my weight. I can honestly say I would start to be unhealthy in the opposite direction if I lost more. It is a very surreal feeling, and one that still takes some getting used to. I still wake up in the morning on occasion thinking, "Is this really me? Healthy weight, living it out?" I wonder how long it will be before it seems less like a fantasy and more like it's real.
SCCRREEECCHHH! How about now.
...on to popcorn. Those who know me well know I like popcorn. A lot. As a matter of fact I have a popcorn problem. I eat way too much. As a matter of fact, as honest as I have tried to be here, I don't think I can put it in writing. It is too embarrassing. Let's just say whatever amount you are thinking I must eat to be embarrassed, double it and you are getting close. The problem is that I found a way to make it fit in to my calorie count for the day. If you air pop it and spray it with no-cal cooking spray and salt it, it is very tasty and very low cal. So I eat a ton. I have known somewhere in the back of my head for a long time now that even if I can fit it in to my calorie count it can not be good for me. And lets face it, this journey is about health, and living out a right relationship with God, not strictly weight. But as long as my weight was maintaining, it was easy to bury the fact that my behavior was gluttonous. One of the triggers to my weight loss journey began with the recognition that my gluttony and laziness were sinful, and that it was unacceptable to continue to indulge in recognized sin. So here I am. Recognizing I am being a glutton again regardless of whether I am fat, and needing to do something about it. Not to mention that every bad behavior has it's consequences. I am also dealing with some digestive issues that I have a sneaky suspicion with lead back to my ridiculous level of popcorn consumption. That's life, huh? There is a price to pay for continued bad choices.
So amidst my celebrating, various stomach pains and other business of life, I have let things slide a little. I have not been tracking my calories. Which is OK in general, but I do believe I need a reality check now and then on what I am eating. (It is easy to believe yourself when you tell yourself it isn't really THAT bad). I have made small choices that aren't too awful, except in that I am making them often. A bite off my kid's plate, OK now and then, bad when it becomes every meal. Handful of Sun Chips, again not terrible, but how often becomes an issue. I have been drinking a lot of artificially sweetened drinks. Not a bad thing, except when it is taking the place of most of your water. I reached my goal weight, and have a 2 lb. fluctuation that I will allow myself. The last 2 weeks I have been pushing the +2 end of that fluctuation. It is so easy to let that go. "It's only 2 lbs... must be hormonal... give yourself a break... you've been busy... kids have been sick... can't get to the gym..." The excuses are endless. Well, all those excuses put me at +4 over my set weight this morning. Hmmm. This seems familiar. This is how I have begun gaining it all back in the past.
I saw that number on the scale this morning and my first response was to feel helpless. I had that "here we go, I can't stop it" feeling. I thought about how busy the week was, and I didn't have time to deal with it, and I don't have my 'ideal' foods in the house right now... It then occurred to me that that was my old way of thinking. That is the result of letting sin have a foothold, it will take you the full distance when you allow it. But then I remembered, sin has no power over me. Jesus already took care of sin for me, and it has no power. I am not helpless, as a matter of fact, the battle is already won. Feeling helpless about my ability to avoid sin is like having won the war and then surrendering to the enemy anyway. I actually laughed at myself right there in the bathroom.
So, back on the wagon. I had a completely different breakfast than usual just to shake off my complacency about what I've been eating. (And I tracked it) Since I don't have another time, I got my workout in at home this morning, complete with 3 year old "working out" with me and providing constant interruptions. I have righted my thinking, and am moving forward. I have the ability to chose what I know is right or choose to be helpless and slowly let that take over my life. The past is the past and has it's consequences, but the choices I make today count for a lot. So I will choose to live the life God has so freely gifted me with, a life in which the victory over my sin is already won. Even if it means... gulp... less popcorn.
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