Struggling

Yep, that sums it up.  I have been struggling.  Over the past 2 months I have gained 10 pounds.  I have felt overwhelmed by life, my workouts have been dismal to non-existent, I have not cared too much about what I am eating, and I have been stingy with the time I have shared with God.  So what has been going on here?

I am not entirely certain, but I have some guesses.  The time I spent leading up to Sam's surgery and right after the recovery were highly charged emotionally.  I had no choice but to lean heavily on God and think I slipped in to a bit of a survival mode.  I clung to the things I knew would keep me from careening off the edge.  Eating and exercise habits, and daily time with God held me together.  So when we finally arrived home, a bit of the survival drive wore off.  Eating well?  Well, wasn't it enough that my family was eating anything?  Exercise?  I couldn't leave Sam to go exercise, and by the evening I was just tired.  Didn't I have the right to be tired and just rest?  Time with my Lord?  I was no longer desperate for Him to carry me through the day.  I began to be satisfied with small superficial tidbits instead of the deep feasting on His Word I had become accustomed to.

However, the less time I spend with God the emptier I feel.  I began filling that void with fiction novels.  This is a real weakness for me.  When I start reading, the rest of my life stops.  I don't take care of me, my house, or my family the way that I should.  I know this about myself and really ought to have known better.  This lasted about 1 1/2 weeks and 5 books.  Realizing what I was doing I returned the books and determined to get my house back in order.  Problem is, the emptiness is still there. 

My kitchen was now clean, but the void remained.  So, what do I do?  I eat.  And boy, have I spent the last week eating! Breads, sweets, cheeses, whatever!  I have had a hard time really caring.  But God is faithful.  He has been stirring up the longing of my heart and moving me back to Him.  He has woken me the last few nights with a deep longing to fellowship deeply with Him again.  Those middle of the night times of just pouring out my heart and hearing His still small voice have been so sweet.  Once you remember how sweet it is you hunger for it.  It is so much more satisfying than books, breads, and cheeses.  I am so thankful that God is merciful enough to remind me of this once again, and turn my desire back to Him.  This morning I devoured several of the Psalms and had to remember that I probably ought to eat breakfast too.  So, back to the basics for me again.  God first.  Then the good health basics: water, calorie counting, and regular exercise (whether I feel like it or think I have the time, or not).

I am not surprised that I have hit a bump in the road.  I expected it to come at some point.  That is why this blog exists.  It is a place for me to be completely honest and transparent, a place for accountability, and for me to work out the jumble of thoughts in my mind.  I know it will be a lifelong commitment, full of triumphs and failures.  Thanks for walking through this ongoing journey with me.