Oh, wait. I got rid of all the fat pants. And for good reason. I got rid of them so that when I reached this point it would be significant. I can't just comfortably fall back into a pair of baggy clothes that allow me to expand further. I either have to spend money on bigger clothes, lose a few pounds, or have nothing to put on. Not a fun place to be, but I am there and have a choice to make.
OK, so here it is, the truth...I have gained 20 pounds back. I have had people say to me, "You are still down 80," "You still look good," "Maybe this is a better weight for you." I do recognize I am still down significantly, how I look is subjective and somewhat irrelevant, and I reject that this might be a better weight. Why? Because I know what I have eaten to get me here and it includes eating too much, and foods that I know are not good for me. I have fallen in to behaviors that characterize the old me. I have snuck chocolate out of the freezer and not wanted anyone to know. I have eaten whatever was convenient instead of eating what I know was good for me. I have begun to see food again as a comfort instead of a necessity for health. I also am growing uncomfortable in my own skin. I am tired and achy. I have a hard time getting dressed because nothing feels good or comfortable. I have even had a hard time shopping for a few needed things. I have felt the old feeling of choosing what looks least bad, instead of what I like. I hate that feeling and don't want to be there. It steals my confidence and my time.
So where are my fat pants? At Goodwill, where they belong. Where are a pair of pants that fit? In my drawer waiting for me to fit in to them again. How do I get there? Via the gym. (I could use some cheering and so forth here.) I'll not let this be the first 20.
I am so proud of you for recognizing and admitting not only to yourself but to all of us where you are. I will gladly cheer you on, hold you accountable and work out with you. (Only I have more than 20 to lose...so you will have to keep me going after you are done!)
ReplyDeleteLove you! and your honesty. Can wait to chat with you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteCheering for you! I'm serious. I will pray for you. I know what you mean about not wanting to become satisfied with the weight gain or used to it. After I had Sammy, I had to loose 45 lbs... and with a lot of sweat, I did. Now, three years later, I found myself up nine pounds and shopping for baggy shirts, etc. Food really can be an idol for me. I finally recognized it as a sin in my life, a desire to indulge myself and started making some changes such as cutting out sugar for an indefinite period of time. I still have a long way to go and a lot more to learn but I understand that this struggle (for me) is not just a physical one but also a spiritual one. One of my theme verses is: 1Cor.9:24-25 " Do you not know, that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives a prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable."
ReplyDeleteKeep marching, Kim! It's hard, but we are in a race... just push until the end! Running with you! Joy