Who cares?

I have a picture that I have kept on my dresser for the past several months.  It was one of the triggers that made me realize just how bad my weight had gotten.  The setting was a Christmas party with a great group of friends last December.  We are all standing in a row with me on one end.  When the picture was printed and handed out to all of us, I remember looking at it and my heart sank.  All I could think is "Look at how big I am," and "Really?  Does my butt really stick out that far?"  The funny part about my train of thought was that it ended with embarrassment.  "Oh my gosh, my good friends all have this picture and can see how really fat I have become!!"  It was not funny at the time, it was humiliating.  What makes me laugh about it now is the ridiculousness of my embarrassment over it.  I think the absurdity of it can be pinned on a couple of things.

The first is that it was ridiculous that I was so embarrassed to be seen in a picture.  Did I think people didn't see me the rest of the time?  I didn't just become fat in a picture.  I was fat all of the time.  To feel more embarrassed that people were seeing me in a picture, than I felt when I was with them in the moment is really pretty silly.

The second and more important is that it shows a level of self-centeredness and self-absorption.  I told one of those ladies how the picture had made me feel and her reply was, "But we didn't see those things.  You were just our friend, Kim."  Of course they didn't.  Do I look at pictures of my friends and pick out all of their flaws?  No.  When I see pictures of my friends I think, "Wow, what a great time that was," or "I remember what led up to the way we are all laughing."  I was the only one focusing on how fat I looked in the picture, they didn't care.  And I was the only one focusing on how fat I was in general.  Aside from a reasonable concern for my health and well-being, they didn't care that I was fat.  It really makes me realize how much time I spent thinking about how I looked to others, when all along, other people really weren't concerned with how I appeared.  If I had anything to be embarrassed about it should be my level of self-absorption.

I think I applied the same mentality to other parts of my life.  Why is it that when we are hurting or struggling, we don't want to let anyone know?  "Well, they might see an ugly side to me.  They might judge me.  People might see that I am not all that put together."  Why are we not all that honest about our faults?  "My faults are not very pretty.  I don't want anyone to see them.  They might know I am not flawless."

It definitely takes a concentrated effort to get over that feeling that people are examining me and judging me.  When I go to the gym and want to try something new, the temptation is to become really self-conscious.  "What if I don't know what I am doing and look foolish?"  Believe it or not, no one is looking.  And furthermore if they are, no one cares.  "Yikes, I look terrible in that picture!"  All anyone is seeing is the good time they had.  "I don't want anyone to know that I am struggling with my kids/husband/God (fill in the blank).  They might think I am not a good parent/wife/Christian." Hey, everyone has been there themselves and may be able to offer me some guidance or encouragement.  "I can't ask for prayer for my self-centeredness.  Someone might think I am...uh...well...self-centered."  Guess what?  If I don't admit it, it doesn't mean it isn't true.  And chances are, the people closest to me already know it anyway.  Furthermore, it's not what they see when they look at me.  They just see their friend, Kim.  Better yet, they may begin to see their friend, Kim, no holds barred, as she really is. That is my goal.